I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
