You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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