Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
