Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Randomize
