I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
