I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
