oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
