I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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