if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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