i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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