so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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