I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Randomize
