I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize