Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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