You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Drunk is a universal language darling
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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