halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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