I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
