he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
