I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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