I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
