Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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