last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
