I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
