I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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