I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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