Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
