I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
