I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
