someone threw a dead crab at me
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
