so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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