Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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