I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
