I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
