my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
