I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
