But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
