I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
