Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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