Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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