we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
being pregnant is like rehab
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
