Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize