i permit you to call me
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize