im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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