I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
