I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
