I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize