Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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