I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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