Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
