Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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