and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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