I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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