yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
