too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
